Atlas: 4 months old

I can't get enough of this boy even after four months. He just gets cuter and more fun every day! It's fascinating to watch his progress in all the little things, like trying to grab a toy, hold his head up, or roll over. He's doing so great at all those developmental things and he's so much fun! It doesn't take much to make him smile or laugh and both are quite contagious. It's a good thing he's so adorable because it totally makes up for the fact that he is hard to put to sleep and often wakes me up 3-4 times a night to feed him. I just remind myself those baby snuggles won't last forever so I better enjoy them while I can!

 

Back to work

The dream had to end sometime- 12 weeks after Atlas was born, to be exact. It was time to go back to work full time.
I wish there was another way, but unfortunately, life is expensive. And kids actually make it more expensive. Go figure!
It was sort of like starting a new job though because right when I went out on leave we moved into a new building. And then my boss told me when I was coming back that my role would be changing to more analyst work and less admin tasks (which will be a good thing). The move to a new building was both good and bad. It's a nicer building, but at the old building I had my own office and now I'm stuck in a cubicle. When I got back I found that my nice chair and mouse had both been taken. I have suspicions that they switched my computer as well. So I ordered a new chair, a new mouse, and started decorating my cube the best I could. If I'm going to be there for 40 hours a week I might as well make it appealing. It's a work in progress, as I'm sure I'll redecorate every so often. I found some bright pictures from Ikea to cover the window to the cube on the other side and I got fresh flowers from the farmers market to brighten my day.

 One of my least favorite things about going back to work is the fact that I have to pump three times a day. This is when I wish I still had my office and could just close and lock my door instead of having to pack up all my stuff and go to the lactation room. It's annoying to bring a giant bag with the machine, bottles, and cooler to work every day and it's also awkward to wash out the parts in the break room. I try not to do it when there are guys in there and when there are women in there they always make some comment about how they remember those days or ask about my baby. But I guess this is the price I'm willing to pay to give my baby the good stuff even when I can't be with him. I used to think breastfeeding was a lot of work but now I gladly take that over pumping! Whenever I sit down to start pumping I look at pictures and videos of Atlas to get my milk going. No matter how many times I watch those videos they always make me smile. I'm crazy about that boy! There's one video that always works like a charm- his hungry noise. Atlas makes this noise every time he's hungry and it just gets more insistent the closer he gets to the goods.

When people ask how it is to be back at work I don't really know how to respond because its such a mix of emotions. I'll be honest, sometimes it's nice to have a reason to get ready and leave the house every day. But yes, it is dang hard to work full time and then come home and be a mom. Atlas still eats at least 2-3 times during the night so I'm not getting much sleep, then I get up at 5:30 to get ready for work. I miss the time when Atlas is most happy, which is morning/mid-day and I come home when he's tired and grumpy. I have to try to make dinner, clean the house, and get him to sleep after working all day. It's exhausting.
But then I think of how blessed I am that I had a job to leave in the first place- so I could get maternity leave pay while I was out (that's the dream- being paid to be a stay at home mom!), I'm blessed that I have a job to go back to, and most of all I'm blessed that Atlas is in good hands while I'm away. Weston's schedule is such that he usually gets to be home with Atlas two or three days a week. The other days Atlas gets to spend with his Grandma Gardner. And of course she knows what she's doing, she raised 7 amazing kids! So while I may dislike pumping and being at that cube 8 hours a day, and definitely miss my baby, I don't have to worry about him being well taken care of. Yes, I'd love to be a stay at home mom and hopefully that might happen for future kids, but for now I'm very grateful for the way things are.

Atlas: 3 Months Old

Week 9: We're trying to get Atlas on a 3 hour schedule (without much luck).
He got his 2 month checkup at the doctor- weighs 11 lbs, 6 oz. and is 23". His head is still in the 90th percentile and his weight is in the 30th percentile. He also got shots- break my heart! The first vaccination they gave him was a liquid that he drank. I thought it would be an easy start to the process, but the first taste he got in his mouth he started crying. Once he got over the initial taste he drank the rest without crying. Then came the really bad part. I had to hold his little legs down while the nurse gave him five shots. Five! I didn't even look at his face while she was giving them to him because I was watching her give the shots in his leg. The needles were so long I thought they were going to go right through his leg. She did it super fast- one leg then the other and kept rotating between legs until all five were done. My poor baby had no idea why he was being tortured so. After she put on his bugs bunny bandaids I quickly picked him up and cuddled him. He calmed down quicker than I expected and was actually good while I put him in the carseat to go home. He didn't even cry on the way home and went right to sleep. A little while after he woke up from his nap and ate he started fussing. Then came the tears. He cried more than I've ever heard him cry in his entire little life. Since my Atlas isn't really a crier I knew he had to be hurting so I gave him a little bit of baby tylenol. It didn't work as quick as I wished so I had to rock him and bounce him on the yoga ball for what seemed like an eternity. He cried for maybe an hour before I could get him to sleep. Remember, he's never cried more than 5 minutes before now so this was a lot for me to take. Needless to say, I don't like shots and I'm not looking forward to him getting the second round at 4 months old. He was still fussy later on in the night but back to my happy boy the next day. It did make me grateful that he's not a crier. I don't think I could handle that!

Week 10: If the binx (pacifier) isn't in his mouth he makes bubbles and drools all over. But its a great excuse to put him in the cute scarves I made for him.
We went to a baby shower for my friend Lynette but Atlas was not very happy. There were about 10 toddlers running around the house making lots of noise and he wasn't a big fan of that when it was around his bedtime and he wanted to eat and sleep in peace.
The next day we went to lunch with my friends Alexa and Erin, who used to work with me at Rady's. Atlas was the charmer and they loved him up!
He slept 7 hours one night!
When we put him in bed and sing him his lullaby he give us the biggest grin. Melts my heart every time!
We finally put him in size 1 diapers after a few too many poops up the back of the diaper.

He's starting to grab at his blankets.
We had a craft day with Stephanie and her baby Cora.  I made him a tag blanket (actually four- I got carried away) that he's slowing learning to love more and more as he gets better at grabbing.














Week 11: He's hugging his blankets and toys.
He wants to laugh but it comes out like a tiny cough.
He finally found his hands and holds them together.
Lots of Easter fun was had- see previous post.















Week 12: He weighs 12 lbs 4 oz.
This was my last week as a stay at home mom. I wish it was my full time job, but I'm grateful I have a good job to go back to and I'm glad that Atlas will be in good hands with either his dad or grandma Gardner, depending on Weston's work schedule. I think Atlas tried to make the transition easier for me by easing out of his "easy baby" stage. He used to go to sleep so easy on his own and this week he started taking shorter naps and needing to be rocked to sleep all the time. Perhaps he senses things are about to change and wants all the attention he can get from me. Well, I gave it to him! I love this boy too much! I will miss him all day and love him all night when I go back to work.

Easter

 We had the best first Easter with Atlas, even though all he could do was be too cute for all the pictures we took. Just look at that face! Next year he'll be out finding the eggs! Cousin Koreen gave him a cute little first Easter basket with squishy things that we gave him to play with in the morning. Great Grandma Carpenter gave him a basket full of goodies later that day. He finally has some books now, and the softest stuffed rabbit thats only slightly bigger than him. :) Tell me he doesn't look so cute in that hoodie! I die!

I was feeling quite ambitious about making treats for this holiday, even though I wasn't ambitious enough to color eggs this year. We made chocolate rice krispie treats as peep nests for our primary girls. Then I made mini carrot cakes and avocado strawberry mixed salad for dinner with the family. Both delicious! 

 We had all the Easter festivities at Great Grandma and Grandpa Carpenter's house. The weather was perfect as we dined on their back patio (wishing I had a picture here- it was beautiful). It felt like a Thanksgiving feast with delicious turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, and more. I especially loved relaxing on the new patio swing grandma bought. I couldn't have been happier surrounded by fun loving family and spending all afternoon in the beautiful San Diego weather. And there was lots of laughter as we sat around the table after eating. Is this seriously my life? Pinch me!

We had an Easter egg hunt in the backyard and found all but one egg... I'm sure the smell will eventually help Grandma find it! Luckily the eggs filled with treats from Great Grandma and Grandpa Carpenter were extra large so they couldn't be missed. They are too good to us all! 

I sure do love this family! I only wish all my other family could live here too! Happy Easter!

Group selfie! Good thing Weston has long arms!

Atlas: 2 months old

Week 5: We got brave and went to my friend's birthday party on a Saturday night, just mom and Atlas.
He not only peed during his bath, but pooped all over his towel right after.

Atlas is balding like an old man.

First week at church. We even stayed all three hours. He liked chillin on the floor in our primary class while Weston taught the lesson.

Week 6:  Atlas gives us about 5 minutes of personality and smiles in the mornings. He's starting to be a real boy!
We went on a walk four days in a row.
Weston was really sick with the flu for the week, I got a little sick for 2 days, and Atlas didn't really get sick at all. Thank you breast milk!

Week 7: Grandma Evette and Aunt Karrie came to visit Wednesday through Saturday; Karrie took some great pictures-

Atlas is starting to stick his tongue out a lot.
He makes lots and lots of cute noises, sometimes just opening and closing his mouth like he's trying to talk but without any noise.
He went a whole 5 hours between feedings one night.
Took Atlas on a walk around Lake Murray with Grandma Gardner.
He's starting to look up and focus on mobiles.

Week 8: Atlas is sucking on his fists to self soothe.
Weston and I went out together without Atlas for the first time while Grandma Gardner babysat. We went couch shopping and bought our first piece of new furniture!
Grandpa Hunt and Grandma Teri spent a couple days getting to know Atlas and were there for his blessing day. Some said Atlas looks like Grandpa Hunt.

Atlas was blessed on 3/30/14 by his dad, with Grandpa Hunt, Grandpa Gardner and Great Grandpa Carpenter in the circle. Handsome guys!

Other fun facts: My wrists are finally starting to heal. They were so sore from holding that tiny baby so much during his first month.
I definitely feel the "let down" of my milk. It feels like pins and needles!
Atlas sleeps the lightest from 4-5 in the morning. We call it "The grunting hour" because he just wriggles in his bed and grunts, pretty much the same time every morning.
Atlas has explosive sounding poops. Its really funny when I'm changing him in my bed in the middle of the night and the sound of him pooping so close to Weston's head startles him awake. Sometimes he poops mid diaper change and it makes us jump because poop is suddenly shooting towards us.
Lots of people comment on his great olive skin.
We've come to the conclusion that he has Hunt eyes, a Gardner smile, and a Carpenter face shape. That makes for one cute little
boy!

Atlas's First Month

Week 1: Atlas's weight going home- 6 lbs 12 oz. My weight going home- 161 lbs (final pregnancy weight was 172).
As soon as I got home from the hospital I was sick with a cold/allergies for a few days. As soon as I got over it, Weston got sick. Luckily, Atlas was stronger than both of us.
Had to wake up Atlas during the night so he would eat.
Got pee all over me because his diaper was too loose.
He seems like the perfect baby so far, hardly ever cries.
Heather and Darin came to visit! Heather cleaned, made the best curry, and took pictures for us.
Feeding is going well, we are working on getting a good latch every time.
Sponge baths are quick and easy.  

 

Week 2: Atlas weighs 7 lbs 12 oz at pediatrician visit. I weighed 157 lbs.
Something makes me cry at least once a day.
Circumcision done at exactly one week old- he handled it like a champ. Dad was in the room with him while mom was in another room (waiting and crying).
Atlas threw up 3 or 4 times this week because I have a lot of milk and it comes really fast. We took him to the doctor just to be sure, since he started throwing up after the circumcision, but the doctor reassured us that he's doing great, he just needs to slow down, eat less, and burp more.
We did a lot of laundry this week- milk vomit on everything!
Umbilical cord fell off at 10 days old.
Finally washed his hair, it's so soft! He was very calm and seemed to really enjoy it.
First visit to the temple for family pictures after Caitlin's wedding. Atlas did great (although he was a little unsure about the bright sunny weather) but I realized why I need to take a couple weeks for recovery. Just walking around and standing for pictures took a lot of effort.
First visit to Gma and Gpa Gardner's house to see the family for Sunday dinner.
Week 3: The circumcision ring fell off 10 days from the doctor visit.
Postpartum recovery for me isn't as bad as I'd thought, especially with the goodies from the hospital.  
Atlas only threw up once this week. He still goes crazy shaking his head back and forth while eating sometimes (which makes him seem like a little animal that is our pet instead of our baby), but he only eats between 4-9 minutes on each side and that seems to be enough. Sometimes he pulls off too quick and the milk just keeps spraying him in the face.
Now that everything fell off that needed to, Atlas got his first bath. He didn't cry once. He's such a good baby, so patient with his parents! He did, however, shower his mom with pee!
Second visit to Gardner family's house, but this time wasn't as fun because he needed to eat so often and then Weston sprained his ankle and was at the ER the whole time.
Week 4: I got a clogged milk duct... ouch! But with the combination of Atlas's good eating, massage, and heat I worked through it and thankfully it didn't turn into mastitis.
Atlas seems to have hit a growth spurt because he can barely make it an hour and a half between feedings sometimes. Give me a break kid! Although two nights this week he went 4 hours between feedings! He seems to recognize night from day.
Weston gave Atlas his first bottle (meaning I started pumping, just once a day to get used to it).
I saw little tears in Atlas's eyes as he cried when he woke up to eat! Melt my heart!
Went to Dr. Henderson for our one month checkup. Atlas is in the 50th percentile for height and weight (now weighing in at 9 lbs, 3 oz.) but his head is extra large! Let's hope that means he's a smarty pants. Dr. Henderson commented on what a good job he did with the circumcision and what a "handsome penis" Atlas has now. Love that he used the word handsome, LOL!
Another bath time and again he peed all over mom! Why do I keep forgetting that thing is locked and loaded?!
We made it a month! Sometimes I still forget that I'm a mom now and this baby isn't going anywhere. I'll look at him and think, whose baby is this and how long is he going to be in our house?! It's still so unreal. 

The Birth Story

Leaving for the hospital

Confession- I actually love hearing people's birth stories. I know not everyone does, and for those people- you can skip this blog post. I find it fascinating that the miracle of birth is experienced in so many different ways and you never know what to expect. I was blessed with a great birth story of my own.
I was six days past my due date and scheduled to be induced on Wednesday, February 5th. Luckily it didn't come to that, since I'd heard mostly negative experiences with inductions. I think what really sent me into labor was the rain. They always say the hospital fills up with pregnant ladies delivering when it rains. Luckily for me, the entire church in Southern California was praying and fasting for rain because of the drought we are in. So, thank you to all those members who fasted and sent me into labor. :) Early Sunday morning I actually had some back pain and I was hoping the baby would come Sunday, but the day came and went without any more pains. That night I was feeling really anxious and couldn't sit still or get comfortable. I guess my body knew it was coming. I told Weston he'd better not stay up too late because that's when the baby would come. Sure enough, he came to bed around 2:30 and at 3:00 I started having contractions. I first noticed that I was passing the mucus plug when I got up to go to the bathroom and then had a contraction when I got back to bed. Since Weston had just gone to sleep I decided it wasn't the best time to wake him, since I knew he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. So I breathed through it and fell asleep. For the next couple hours I had a few more contractions, but they were very spread apart and I was able to keep sleeping until about 6:00, at which point I told Weston that we were definitely having the baby that day. Of course, neither of us could go back to sleep then. We got up and had breakfast, got ready for the day, cleaned up the house, made sure my hospital bag was packed and everything we needed was in the car.
The contractions still weren't that regular so it was easy to get things done and just take breaks when I felt one coming on. My favorite thing to do was sit on the yoga ball while breathing through them. Around 10:00 they started getting stronger and more regular. We ate lunch around 11:00 since I knew I wouldn't be able to eat while in labor at the hospital. At 11:30 we decided it was time to go. I kept asking Weston if he was sure we should go because I knew I needed to be dilated to a 3 at least to be admitted and I didn't want to be sent home. He was sure that I was in enough pain with each contraction that we had better go. And he was right. It seemed like as soon as we got into a bed in triage the contractions were even more frequent and painful. It could have also been because I was now laying in a bed and wasn't as comfortable as I had been on my yoga ball. When the nurse checked me I was dilated to a 4 and 75% effaced. Finally around 2:30 they wheeled me up into a room. I used to think the whole wheelchair thing was a little much, but I was so grateful I didn't have to walk up to my room! The first thing I saw in the room was the little baby bed/incubator with a baby blanket on it. That's when it hit me that I was going to have a baby in that room! It was a little reminder that the pain was serving a purpose.
After I got into the room and got the IV hooked up, Dr. Saffer came in to check on me. I was now dilated to a 6 and 100% effaced. He asked if I would like him to break my water, but let me know that while this would make labor speed up, it would also cause stronger contractions. Since my mom told me that she had quick labors once they broke her water, I said yes. That was a super strange feeling, as if someone had popped a giant water bubble inside of me. It didn't hurt or anything, it was just something I'd never experienced. We told the nurse in triage that I wanted to try and give birth without an epidural (depending on how quick my labor was), the nurse in my room let me know that she wouldn't ask me if I wanted any medication, but if I did want some Fentanyl in my IV I could let her know. I told her yes, please! The contractions were already a lot stronger and closer together and I wanted to take the edge off, since I was now convinced that this would be a quick labor and I could do it without the epidural. I honestly don't think the drugs in my IV did much to ease the contractions. But I do think they helped me relax in between contractions. I was all of a sudden EXHAUSTED! Soon after getting examined by the doctor, I got onto a position on the yoga ball, leaning on Weston or the edge of the hospital bed. A couple of times in between contractions I briefly fell asleep, even though it can't have been for more than 2 minutes at a time.
Weston was the best coach I could have asked for. I could not have done it without him, and I didn't need anyone else there but him. He was there for me through everything. Every contraction he would help me remember to breathe through it, he would help me relax parts of my body by reminding me specifically ("relax your face, your feet, your shoulders") when he saw where I was tensing up. When I got to the peak of each contraction he would help me recognize it and that it was almost over. He helped me move into different positions and was there for me to hold onto. I never got angry or annoyed with him. He did everything better than I could have imagined and it just made me love him so much more. The nurse told me to tell her if I started feeling the need to push and I soon got there. She checked me and this time I was dilated to an 8.5. My response was, "that's it?!" I knew I had to get to a 10 to push and I felt like I couldn't wait any longer. At this point the contractions were unbearable. Every contraction the urge to push was stronger and stronger and it got harder and harder to not push. This is the part I don't think anyone told me about, or maybe I didn't pay enough attention. But this was definitely the hardest part of labor. You know how in the movies the women scream when they're in labor? Yeah, that was me at this point. I was already breathing really loud and occasionally moaning, but when I had to try and breathe through those urges to push, screams came out of me that I didn't know were even in there. Again, Weston being the amazing coach he was, reminding me that it was okay to make any noises I needed to. That was reassuring because in my head I was thinking, "I'm a crazy person! People down the hall are going to think I'm dying!"I honestly couldn't help it though. At this point I was lying on my side in the bed with Weston holding my leg up and there was no way I had the time or energy between contractions to even think about moving to any other position (even though I'd previously thought I would want to use the squat bar to deliver).
After what seemed like too many torturous contractions and whispering to Weston, "I don't think I can do another one", the nurse checked me again and I was at a 9. Still not close enough, but she called the doctor to let him know it would be soon. I had to rotate from one side to the other a couple times because the baby's heartbeat would start getting low. Just rolling to the other side was quite a chore. Then there were more painful contractions... the nurse was a great coach as well, reminding me to breathe deep, especially when it came to the urge to push. Then she checked me again and I was at a 10. I was so relieved to hear that. It seemed like the doctor was in the room in no time and they were telling me it's time to push. Now I thought, wait- how the heck do I push?! They had me lay on my back and bend my knees. Weston held up one leg and the nurse held the other. They put an oxygen mask on me to make sure I was getting enough air. Dr. Saffer told me that once I got to the peak of the contraction I should hold my breath and push. The first time wasn't good at all. I had no idea what I was doing. The nurse told me to bring my chin to my chest and bear down while I pushed. I tried pushing for the next couple contractions but still didn't feel like I knew what I was doing. Then Dr. Saffer said he could see the baby's head and he had hair. That surprised me, but it was good to hear at least some good news. They brought the mirror over so I could see. That was weird, but good I guess, to see that his little head was coming out. I could feel how it was stuck there and was anxious to get him all the way out.
After another push, Dr. Saffer told me that the baby's heartbeat was getting low and we really needed to get him out ASAP. He said he was going to get the vacuum ready and I needed to give a really good push. I prayed with all my might that I could push that baby out and then I pushed like I never pushed before. So much pain, but I kept pushing. And then he said the head was out. I was so glad we didn't have to use the vacuum or resort to a C-section. Then the rest of the baby came out and they put him up on my stomach. He was just lying there sideways on my stomach, not moving. I was just in shock and didn't know what to think or do. The nurse was wiping him off and the doctor had Weston cut the cord. Everything happened so fast and then they took him to the little incubator bed. Apparently, a special team had come into the room because of his low heartbeat and they sprang into action. I heard one of them say he wasn't breathing. I felt like I was also holding my breath as I looked up and Weston and asked if the baby was okay. I knew it wasn't time to panic yet, but anxiously waited. Not a few minutes later, we heard a little baby cry. I could finally breathe. They wrapped him up and brought him to me.

I didn't cry like I thought I would. I think I was still in too much shock. Meanwhile, Dr. Saffer pulled out the placenta (Weston had front row seats to more than he ever wanted to see) and said I had some internal tears that he needed to stitch up (he said these heal better than external tears though). The anesthesia shots were uncomfortable, to say the least. And I still felt some of the tugging from the stitches. There was also a spot that didn't get numb so I had him give me another shot to numb it before he kept stitching. Luckily, I had my baby on my chest to take my mind off the mess of my downstairs. The nurses also had to check my bleeding a few times by pushing on my stomach; this was really uncomfortable. I had to use my labor breathing to remind myself it wasn't a big deal after what I'd just gone through. It wasn't long before that cute little baby was inching his way up my chest, probably looking for his first meal. After everything was cleaned up from labor I had the nurse assist me with nursing for the first time.

It was such a relief to be done labor and I did feel a sense of accomplishment that I did it without an epidural. The nurses and even Dr. Saffer kept complimenting me on what a good job I did. That was a relief because I thought I was a crazy person with all that screaming. But they said I was really really good at my breathing and focus throughout the contractions. That was so good to hear! By 8:00 that night we moved from the labor room to the recovery room. Weston's family came by around 9:00 to meet the newest member of the family.

We still didn't have a name for him yet and I was in no mental condition to even think about it until the next day. The rest of that night and the next day consisted of a lot of nurse visits to check on mine and the baby's vitals. They said we could stay Tuesday night as well, but both Weston and I were anxious to get home and sleep in our own bed. We left the hospital around 9:00 Tuesday night and introduced our little boy to his new home.
At this point, I don't know how anyone has more than one child. The thought of going through all of that again is just too overwhelming (even though I admit my labor was quick and amazing compared to what other women go through). Everyone says you forget all the hard stuff, and I hope that's true. I am glad that I got to experience the miracle of childbirth, and even grateful that I got to feel every bit of it. But I will say that it is as painful as everyone tells you it is, no need to sugarcoat it. All I keep thinking is, wow! I just had a baby! I look at that tiny baby and all of a sudden he seems huge when I think, that thing came out of me! Everything about it is miraculous! I'm a mom!