Back to work

The dream had to end sometime- 12 weeks after Atlas was born, to be exact. It was time to go back to work full time.
I wish there was another way, but unfortunately, life is expensive. And kids actually make it more expensive. Go figure!
It was sort of like starting a new job though because right when I went out on leave we moved into a new building. And then my boss told me when I was coming back that my role would be changing to more analyst work and less admin tasks (which will be a good thing). The move to a new building was both good and bad. It's a nicer building, but at the old building I had my own office and now I'm stuck in a cubicle. When I got back I found that my nice chair and mouse had both been taken. I have suspicions that they switched my computer as well. So I ordered a new chair, a new mouse, and started decorating my cube the best I could. If I'm going to be there for 40 hours a week I might as well make it appealing. It's a work in progress, as I'm sure I'll redecorate every so often. I found some bright pictures from Ikea to cover the window to the cube on the other side and I got fresh flowers from the farmers market to brighten my day.

 One of my least favorite things about going back to work is the fact that I have to pump three times a day. This is when I wish I still had my office and could just close and lock my door instead of having to pack up all my stuff and go to the lactation room. It's annoying to bring a giant bag with the machine, bottles, and cooler to work every day and it's also awkward to wash out the parts in the break room. I try not to do it when there are guys in there and when there are women in there they always make some comment about how they remember those days or ask about my baby. But I guess this is the price I'm willing to pay to give my baby the good stuff even when I can't be with him. I used to think breastfeeding was a lot of work but now I gladly take that over pumping! Whenever I sit down to start pumping I look at pictures and videos of Atlas to get my milk going. No matter how many times I watch those videos they always make me smile. I'm crazy about that boy! There's one video that always works like a charm- his hungry noise. Atlas makes this noise every time he's hungry and it just gets more insistent the closer he gets to the goods.

When people ask how it is to be back at work I don't really know how to respond because its such a mix of emotions. I'll be honest, sometimes it's nice to have a reason to get ready and leave the house every day. But yes, it is dang hard to work full time and then come home and be a mom. Atlas still eats at least 2-3 times during the night so I'm not getting much sleep, then I get up at 5:30 to get ready for work. I miss the time when Atlas is most happy, which is morning/mid-day and I come home when he's tired and grumpy. I have to try to make dinner, clean the house, and get him to sleep after working all day. It's exhausting.
But then I think of how blessed I am that I had a job to leave in the first place- so I could get maternity leave pay while I was out (that's the dream- being paid to be a stay at home mom!), I'm blessed that I have a job to go back to, and most of all I'm blessed that Atlas is in good hands while I'm away. Weston's schedule is such that he usually gets to be home with Atlas two or three days a week. The other days Atlas gets to spend with his Grandma Gardner. And of course she knows what she's doing, she raised 7 amazing kids! So while I may dislike pumping and being at that cube 8 hours a day, and definitely miss my baby, I don't have to worry about him being well taken care of. Yes, I'd love to be a stay at home mom and hopefully that might happen for future kids, but for now I'm very grateful for the way things are.

Atlas: 3 Months Old

Week 9: We're trying to get Atlas on a 3 hour schedule (without much luck).
He got his 2 month checkup at the doctor- weighs 11 lbs, 6 oz. and is 23". His head is still in the 90th percentile and his weight is in the 30th percentile. He also got shots- break my heart! The first vaccination they gave him was a liquid that he drank. I thought it would be an easy start to the process, but the first taste he got in his mouth he started crying. Once he got over the initial taste he drank the rest without crying. Then came the really bad part. I had to hold his little legs down while the nurse gave him five shots. Five! I didn't even look at his face while she was giving them to him because I was watching her give the shots in his leg. The needles were so long I thought they were going to go right through his leg. She did it super fast- one leg then the other and kept rotating between legs until all five were done. My poor baby had no idea why he was being tortured so. After she put on his bugs bunny bandaids I quickly picked him up and cuddled him. He calmed down quicker than I expected and was actually good while I put him in the carseat to go home. He didn't even cry on the way home and went right to sleep. A little while after he woke up from his nap and ate he started fussing. Then came the tears. He cried more than I've ever heard him cry in his entire little life. Since my Atlas isn't really a crier I knew he had to be hurting so I gave him a little bit of baby tylenol. It didn't work as quick as I wished so I had to rock him and bounce him on the yoga ball for what seemed like an eternity. He cried for maybe an hour before I could get him to sleep. Remember, he's never cried more than 5 minutes before now so this was a lot for me to take. Needless to say, I don't like shots and I'm not looking forward to him getting the second round at 4 months old. He was still fussy later on in the night but back to my happy boy the next day. It did make me grateful that he's not a crier. I don't think I could handle that!

Week 10: If the binx (pacifier) isn't in his mouth he makes bubbles and drools all over. But its a great excuse to put him in the cute scarves I made for him.
We went to a baby shower for my friend Lynette but Atlas was not very happy. There were about 10 toddlers running around the house making lots of noise and he wasn't a big fan of that when it was around his bedtime and he wanted to eat and sleep in peace.
The next day we went to lunch with my friends Alexa and Erin, who used to work with me at Rady's. Atlas was the charmer and they loved him up!
He slept 7 hours one night!
When we put him in bed and sing him his lullaby he give us the biggest grin. Melts my heart every time!
We finally put him in size 1 diapers after a few too many poops up the back of the diaper.

He's starting to grab at his blankets.
We had a craft day with Stephanie and her baby Cora.  I made him a tag blanket (actually four- I got carried away) that he's slowing learning to love more and more as he gets better at grabbing.














Week 11: He's hugging his blankets and toys.
He wants to laugh but it comes out like a tiny cough.
He finally found his hands and holds them together.
Lots of Easter fun was had- see previous post.















Week 12: He weighs 12 lbs 4 oz.
This was my last week as a stay at home mom. I wish it was my full time job, but I'm grateful I have a good job to go back to and I'm glad that Atlas will be in good hands with either his dad or grandma Gardner, depending on Weston's work schedule. I think Atlas tried to make the transition easier for me by easing out of his "easy baby" stage. He used to go to sleep so easy on his own and this week he started taking shorter naps and needing to be rocked to sleep all the time. Perhaps he senses things are about to change and wants all the attention he can get from me. Well, I gave it to him! I love this boy too much! I will miss him all day and love him all night when I go back to work.