Back to work

The dream had to end sometime- 12 weeks after Atlas was born, to be exact. It was time to go back to work full time.
I wish there was another way, but unfortunately, life is expensive. And kids actually make it more expensive. Go figure!
It was sort of like starting a new job though because right when I went out on leave we moved into a new building. And then my boss told me when I was coming back that my role would be changing to more analyst work and less admin tasks (which will be a good thing). The move to a new building was both good and bad. It's a nicer building, but at the old building I had my own office and now I'm stuck in a cubicle. When I got back I found that my nice chair and mouse had both been taken. I have suspicions that they switched my computer as well. So I ordered a new chair, a new mouse, and started decorating my cube the best I could. If I'm going to be there for 40 hours a week I might as well make it appealing. It's a work in progress, as I'm sure I'll redecorate every so often. I found some bright pictures from Ikea to cover the window to the cube on the other side and I got fresh flowers from the farmers market to brighten my day.

 One of my least favorite things about going back to work is the fact that I have to pump three times a day. This is when I wish I still had my office and could just close and lock my door instead of having to pack up all my stuff and go to the lactation room. It's annoying to bring a giant bag with the machine, bottles, and cooler to work every day and it's also awkward to wash out the parts in the break room. I try not to do it when there are guys in there and when there are women in there they always make some comment about how they remember those days or ask about my baby. But I guess this is the price I'm willing to pay to give my baby the good stuff even when I can't be with him. I used to think breastfeeding was a lot of work but now I gladly take that over pumping! Whenever I sit down to start pumping I look at pictures and videos of Atlas to get my milk going. No matter how many times I watch those videos they always make me smile. I'm crazy about that boy! There's one video that always works like a charm- his hungry noise. Atlas makes this noise every time he's hungry and it just gets more insistent the closer he gets to the goods.

When people ask how it is to be back at work I don't really know how to respond because its such a mix of emotions. I'll be honest, sometimes it's nice to have a reason to get ready and leave the house every day. But yes, it is dang hard to work full time and then come home and be a mom. Atlas still eats at least 2-3 times during the night so I'm not getting much sleep, then I get up at 5:30 to get ready for work. I miss the time when Atlas is most happy, which is morning/mid-day and I come home when he's tired and grumpy. I have to try to make dinner, clean the house, and get him to sleep after working all day. It's exhausting.
But then I think of how blessed I am that I had a job to leave in the first place- so I could get maternity leave pay while I was out (that's the dream- being paid to be a stay at home mom!), I'm blessed that I have a job to go back to, and most of all I'm blessed that Atlas is in good hands while I'm away. Weston's schedule is such that he usually gets to be home with Atlas two or three days a week. The other days Atlas gets to spend with his Grandma Gardner. And of course she knows what she's doing, she raised 7 amazing kids! So while I may dislike pumping and being at that cube 8 hours a day, and definitely miss my baby, I don't have to worry about him being well taken care of. Yes, I'd love to be a stay at home mom and hopefully that might happen for future kids, but for now I'm very grateful for the way things are.